Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 3

From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.

The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)

NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.

Topics of the Morning to You

Daytime talk shows often have ridiculous topics. Here are a few scandalous kid-related ones they haven’t thought of yet.

• “My Dog Is Smarter Than Me!”
• “I Like the Smell of Cough Syrup!”
• “Caught Cheating on a Cereal Box Quiz!”
• “My Sister Writes Nothing Good in Her Diary!”
• “iPads iRritate Me!”
• “Our Phone Number Is One Digit Off from a Yarn Store’s!”
• “Braces and Glasses in the Same Month!”
• “Still Using Training Wheels and Loving It!”
• “I’ll Eat Any Vegetable!”

Humor That Sticks With You

One of the most accessible—and free—forms of entertainment is constantly overlooked: bumper stickers. Many of them are meant to make to laugh. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself to the nearest parking lot, walk the aisles, and read some! See if you can find any funnier than these.

• My Child Is Honor Student of the Month and Regularly Reminds Us About It
• If You Are Reading This, Why Aren’t You Watching the Road?
• Honk If You’re Annoying
• My Other Car Has the Same Sticker
• Don’t Stink and Drive
• My Other Car Is a Cartoon
• I Brake for Other Bumper Stickers

New Pool Rules

Pools already post many rules and warnings, with good reason. Examples include “Diving Only in Designated Areas” and “No Running on Deck.” Here are a few more rules currently under consideration. Some are bad, summer good.

• Water Freezes Solid If You Pee In It
• Do Not Swim for 30 Minutes after Not Rinsing First
• Please Reenact Ancient Naval Battles Elsewhere
• Wet Wedgies Are Frowned Upon
• No One Will Judge Your Dives
• Pizza May Not Be Eaten Underwater
• Belly Flop Limit: One Per Belly Per Season
• Do Not Call Lifeguards “Spongelife Squareguards”

From Passing Out Tests to Passing Notes

A disturbing new trend is hitting schools: teachers are now passing notes to other teachers, just as students have been passing notes to other students for years. We intercepted a few:

What’s up Mrs. Holmes,

How many Emmas are in your class this year? I have fourteen.

Gotta cruise,
Ms. Nurman

Hey Ms. Spinorelli,

Have you met the new librarian, Mr. Curbett? I had the nerve to talk to him. He’s really nice, love that bow tie, and best of all, he has all the same 100 favorite books I do.

I saw him first!

Ms. Rowton

Hi Mrs. Fleedman,

What was the deal with Scott in algebra? He was totally getting all the answers right. Must have had an extra glass of smart juice this morning.

Later,
Mrs. Maloney

Yo yo yo Mr. Browner,

Did you hear that Mrs. Schlott got a new desk? My desk is two years older than hers was. Injustice!

Mrs. Evelyn

Hi Mrs. Leese,

Supposed to be a big storm tonight. Hopefully snow day tomorrow! Half the third grade has a cold and if I’m around them one more hour I’m sure I’ll catch one, too.

Catch you in the teachers’ lounge,
Ms. Bandari

The First 100 Minutes

Some elementary schools celebrate the 100th day of school, which often falls in February. Why wait that long? Suggest that your school move up the party to day one, minute 100 (which, if you start at 8:45 a.m., will be 10:25 a.m.). During it, give an award to the student who...

...has memorized her locker combination the fastest

...has gone the longest without saying the word “summer”

...already has nicknames for all the kids in class

...can still remember the correct answers on the last test of the previous school year

...writes the best essay looking back at the first 100 minutes of school—using exactly 100 words

...has determined the source of the smell coming from the science lab

...has already completed his assignments from the second 100 minutes

...is the first to eat 100 bites of cake

The Wicked Glitch

“Page not found.” “The document may be corrupt.” “The password is incorrect.” Error messages are the mosquitoes of the Internet: annoying and everywhere. Have you seen these?

• “Error so big, even technical support will cry.”
• “Warning: document is boring.”
• “Program will now close. Re-opens tomorrow 9 a.m.”
• “File illegally downloaded. I’m telling.”
• “A complicated error has occurred. You wouldn’t understand.”
• “To restart, press Cntl+Alt+Delete. You will lose any unsaved information, and possibly your mind.”
• “File cannot be displayed. It’s rated R.”
• “A glass of water in your hand has been detected. Step away from the computer.”
• “Your computer crashed. Estimated time to fix it: 17 hours.”
• “Grumble all you want. That won’t solve anything.”

Yesterday Is Prehistory

One day it was prehistory, the next day everything changed. What was it like on the day when history began?

• all prehistory calendars 60% off
• calling someone a “caveperson” was suddenly embarrassing
• people began to carry around things other than sticks
• it seemed like everyone was wearing “Prehistory Is History” T-shirts
• almost immediately, people started breaking their History resolutions
• the wheel was no longer the coolest thing ever invented
• the filthy, barefoot, bone-in-hair look was totally out
• tired of “Oog” and “Mub,” parents began giving babies names with more than one syllable

Highest Grossing Movie

Everybody knows the conventions of scary movies: dark houses, movement in the shadows, suspenseful music. But sometimes things you find in movie theaters are more terrifying than the movies they show:

• Your seat is one big stain with a little patch of fabric showing through.
• Your arm rest is coated with an industrial-strength layer of sticky soda spill.
• The couple sitting in front of you makes out during the whole movie…and it’s your parents.
• Your Milk Duds are so hard you feel like you accidentally bought chocolate-covered gravel.
• You realize the squeaking below you is not coming from your seat but from under it…
• The usher picks his nose, tears your ticket, then hands your stub back.

America’s Most Interesting Worst Kept Secrets

Every country protects its privacy. Someone in America is a gossip, though, because word got out that these are some of the USA’s most intimate secrets:

• some of the Rocky Mountains are actually rather smooth
• New York, New Jersey, etc. aren’t really so new anymore
• only eight people live in Wyoming
• Florida always leaves the door unlocked and Georgians keep wandering in
• Massachusetts is a Native American word meaning “Quiet please, the game is on”
• what most people think is “The Star-Spangled Banner” is actually only the first verse; the song has 31 more
• when America was young, Great Britain teased it by calling it the “Underwear States of America”
• by 2009, a Home Depot will be on every street in all fifty states

Ingredients for President

To become President of the United States, a person must be a natural born citizen of the U.S., must be at least 35 years old, and must have lived in the country for the last 14 years. If you think that’s strict, read some of the other requirements that have been proposed over the years:

• must have grown up in at least 18 states
• cannot be allergic to Senators
• must be able to list all other presidents in order, or at least name a few
• may not plan to ask the Secret Service to build him a treehouse
• must promise not to repaint the White House pizza pie orange
• must be willing to speak in sentences no longer than a headline
• must have the same shoe size as the previous president

Shop Up or Ship Out

Accepting presents gracefully is tricky business. True meanings are mysteries…unless you refer to this gift-speak translation cheat sheet.

When they say: “I hope you can tell how much this means to me.”
They really mean: “I hope you can’t tell how much this means war.”

When they say: “It would look beautiful on the nightstand.”
They really mean: “Just not my nightstand.”

When they say: “I think you got me something like this last year.”
They really mean: “I know you did, and also for the three years before that.”

When they say: “I’m so flattered that you thought of me.”
They really mean: “I just wish you hadn’t thought of this gift.”

When they say: “This gift is too generous.”
They really mean: “I can’t wait to return it for something equally generous but much cooler.”

When they say: “I didn’t know they made a thing like this.”
They really mean: “I can’t imagine anyone besides you would buy it.”

When they say: “What a wonderful surprise.”
They really mean: “The surprise is that I didn’t run out screaming when I saw it.”

When they say: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”
They really mean: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”

America’s Most Unwanted

There are certain nice things America wants—to catch criminals, to throw baseballs, to produce sequels, to start selling holiday merchandise in September. Then there are things America does not want…but has been too shy to mention. We, however, are not shy. We know for a fib that America does not want to:

• “loan” New Hampshire and Idaho to Australia for a couple of months
• eliminate time zones and make it always 2 o’clock everywhere
• try the “Everyone Switch States for a Day” stunt Congress has suggested
• begin broadcasting the Food Fight Network
• change the name of “America the Beautiful” to “America the Boastful”
• redesign its shape to look like a rhinoceros
• set up arm wrestling contests all along the Canadian and Mexican borders

A World Without Cartoons

Let’s all stop and give thanks that cartoons exist. Think of the horrors if they didn’t:

• Thanksgiving floats would depict normal people
• Cartoon Network would instead be called Network
• Who would promote all the cereal?
• Newspapers would have an extra page of (Zzzz…) classified ads
• On Halloween, kids would have to dress up as…well, other kids
• Your parents wouldn’t remember what a conjunction is or know the words to the Preamble to the Constitution by heart

Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 2

From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.

The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)

NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.

Inside Information

In nice weather, your parents often say “Go outside and play.” But what if it’s cold outside and your parents want you to go out anyway? Here are things you can say so they’ll then say “Go inside in play.”

• “The steeper the slope, the faster the sled.”
• “Snowpants give me a rash. I always take them off as soon as I’m outside.”
• “Might as well start building that treehouse I always wanted.”
• “I’m practicing my aim with a rock and the giant, sharp icicles hanging off the roof.”
• “I know it’s cold, but someone has to direct traffic.”
• “Frozen bugs do taste like potato chips!”
• “I’m going to find the shortest hiking distance between here and Canada.”
• “Who knew bike helmets are great for deflecting speeding Frisbees?”

Relative Stupidity

The holidays. We all know what that means. Stuck inside with a bunch of relatives for hours on end. Choose from this arsenal of excuses to escape—even if it’s only to another room in the house.

• “The DNA tests are not in yet and I’m not hanging around here until we know for sure if we’re really related.”
• “I should rest. I don’t want to get too tired to wrap all your presents.”
• “Having fun together on the holidays is selfish. I’m going to think of ways to help others less fortunate as I go to my room and surf the Internet.”
• “I’m almost old enough to be smarter than you, but I’ll spare you the embarrassment by quietly sneaking out.”
• “In pioneer times, families that lived far away could not visit each other so easily. I have to reenact that for a school project.”
• “If I correctly guess any three stories you plan to tell, can I be excused?”

Art in the House of Sport

The school art show: a chance for non-athletic kids to do something impressive in the gym.

A crowd of drawers will draw a crowd at… 

The 4th Annual Ele-Monet-ary Art Show

All submissions welcome, except the following types of images:

• videogame violence
• youth mocking authority
• youth mocking art shows
• still life of cafeteria food
• portraits of school administration in sweatpants
• copyrighted characters (including heads of faculty on bodies of copyrighted characters)
• scenes with product placement, no matter how handsomely you were paid
• the school mascot served on a bed of rice with seasonal vegetables
• actual-size bricks that blend in perfectly with the gym walls

Even if you don’t contribute, make sure you Van Gogh!

It’s a Big World After All

It’s a world of wrestlers
A world of jeans
It’s a world of crocs
And a world of screens
They’re all large as can be
They make you feel so wee
It’s a big world after all

There is extra strength
There are mega-hits
There are bonus rounds
And those director’s cuts
Nothing stays normal-sized
All too high, long, or wide
It’s a big world after all

You get lost in ev’ry mall
The new kid is six feet tall
Can’t see the end of the hall
It’s a big, huge world

Skydiving Etiquette

Skydiving may seem brave or it may seem bonkers. Either way, bear in mind these guidelines:

• Don’t skydive for 30 minutes after bungee jumping.
• Remember: skydive=parachute, scuba dive=oxygen tank.
• Birds have the right of way.
• In summer and before 6 p.m., use a white parachute.
• When jumping in a group, pull ripcords in alphabetical order.
• If blown off course, try to land in the middle of a big event such as a wedding, football game, or barn-raising.
• When you’re in the air, it’s not called a belly flop.

Before They Were Freakish

Were our most renowned monsters already scary back in high school? To find out, we’ve delved into the Crypt of Yearbooks Past.

(show funny yearbook-style head shots of famous monsters as teens with other monsters signatures over or next to them)

• Dracula (his fangs have braces); Frankenstein’s monster writes “And they say I’m a metalhead!”
• Frankenstein’s monster (with two metal plugs on side of neck); Yeti writes “Yo Frankie! Bio lab was a blast—thanks for letting us dissect you instead of the frog!”
• Henry Jekyll (looks bookish, shy): Edward Hyde writes “I would write ‘Don’t ever change’ but that wouldn’t do me any good!”
• Medusa (her snakes in pigtails); Wicked Witch of the West writes “Hanging with you, I never felt like I was having a bad hair day!”
• Mummy (has bandana over top of bandaged head); Medusa writes “Hey M—I hiss you already!”
• Yeti (facial hair includes goatee); Dracula writes “Dude, we get it, you’re manly, but time to shave!”
• Wicked Witch of the West (witch hat has school-style letter, like when you letter in a sport); Mummy writes “Prom rocked! Sorry I spilled that water on you, though…”

Exchang-aholic

Bringing gifts back to stores can be more than a boring chore. Run one of these phrases by the salesperson and you’ll see that returning can be even more fun than receiving.

• “By accident I walked out without paying for this, so I’m back to do the right thing.”
• “This product is a choking hazard. When I think about how hideous it is, I nearly choke.”
• “Let’s do this as quickly so no one sees that I ever owned that.”
• “I rewrapped it to protect your eyes.”
• “Do you have this in money?”
• “Here’s a photo of the friend who gave this to me. Please don’t let him buy anything here ever again.”
• “This is not at all tacky, but my room is, so it wouldn’t fit.”
• “Don’t I win anything for being the 100th person today to return this item?”
• “I actually like it but also like the power a consumer has to return whatever she wants.”

Metal Detector Blues

Ever comb the beach with a metal detector? Sure. Ever find anything? Of course not. Sing along with the “Metal Detector Blues.”

Got a metal detector
To detect me some gold
I’d settle for silver
As long as it’s old

Hit the beach at dawn
No other hunters in sight
Began searching the sand
For something buried and bright

Came across lots of bottle caps
And a couple sets of car keys
Heck, I even turned up
A checkers board (Chinese)

I was looking for loot
Straight from a treasure chest
But I recycled half this stuff
And reburied the rest

Not one thing of value
No medallions, coins, or jewels
But if you’re in the market
I’ve got lots of rusty tools

The last thing I discovered
And the most deeply hid
Was a trashed metal detector
Must’ve found even less than mine did

International House of Pancakes: Now with Even More International!

• the Panamanian Pancake—with a “canal” filled with syrup running through it
• Italian Pancakes—with pepperoni
• the Antarctic Pancake—frozen solid
• the Australian Pancake—one pancake, floating in a sea of syrup
• Irish Pancakes—bunch of small clover-shaped pancakes, with one four-leaf clover pancake hidden among them
• the Israeli Pancake—worn on head like kippah/yarmulke
• German Pancakes—one big pancake with two small pancakes forming the umlaut
• Egyptian Pancakes—three-dimensional pyramids of pancakes

X Parks the Spot

Underground parking garages are the labyrinths of everyday life and our experiences in them are universal. Next time you go to the mall (or anywhere else with a car maze), bring and fill out this two-part checklist.

BEFORE SHOPPING

• Did we spend twenty minutes looking for a free spot?
• Did several cars backing out almost dent us?
• Did we finally find a spot, but it’s the farthest from the entrance?
• Did we wonder what made all those scratch marks on the walls?
• Did we pass at least four cars with their alarms going off?

AFTER SHOPPING

• Did we forgot where we parked?
• Did we leave our headlights on?
• Did the guy next to us park too close, squeezing us in?
• Did we at least once drive the wrong way down a one-way lane?
• Did we lose the parking ticket?

An Animated Rebellion

What if cartoons revolted against humans? It might start with documents like these.

Declaratoon of Independence

When in the Course of humor events, it becomes necessary for one cartoon to dissolve the fictional bands which have connected him with another, and to assume among the powers of the mirth, the cinemas and TV stations to which the Laws of Networks and of Networks’ squads entitle them, a decent rating in the opinions of fankind requires that they should declare the sketches which impel them to the animation.

We hold these truths to be self-excellent, that all films are followed by sequels, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain alien or monster Fights, and among them are Laughs, Lunacy and the pursuit of Zaniness.

Toonstitution

We the Cartoons of the Animated Screens, in Order to draw a more perfect Toonion, establish Jokesters, insure simplistic Frivolity, provide for the common nonsense, promote the right to show bums bare, and make sure the Best Things on the TV from ourselves is our Hilarity, do complain and establish this Toonstitution for the Animated Screens of America.

May I Have Award with You?

Entertainment trivia: did you know that a different award show was on every night last year except for one (and that was only because the host came down with the hiccups)? Now that award shows are so common, they must always come up with new gimmicks. A few suggestions:

• give awards made of Play-Doh so recipients can shape a design of their own liking
• vote for each winner then and there by a show of hands
• sneak in a made-up category every so often
• requesting that the audience hold their applause until they get home
• limit each acceptance speech to one word
• instead of announcing the winner of each category, list the losers first
• instead of interviewing stars on the red carpet outside the event, catch them coming in or out of the bathroom
• give an award at end of the night for best and worst acceptance speech

Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 1

From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.

The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)

NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.

Department of Corrections and Deliberate Mistakes

Sometimes we at Nickelodeon make mistakes in the magazine. Sometimes we even catch them! Here are some of our latest.
 

• In our January issue, the word “Mississippi” was accidentally spelled without the second “p.” Also, that “p” was incorrectly inserted into another word on some other page. Nobody remembers where exactly. Anyway, we regret the errors.
• In our April issue, the article entitled “Dolphins: Nearly As Smart As Us” was actually written by a dolphin and was supposed to be called “Humans: Nearly As Smart As Us.” We apologize if that was misleading
• In our May issue, the cover showed a photo of our editors playing tug-of-war with winners getting front row seats to a Destiny’s Child concert. Did you like that picture? No? Well, then, we’re sorry about that.
• By the time we put out our July issue, we realized we totally forgot about the June issue. It was going to be a really great one, too.
• In our August issue, the article entitled “Insert Article Name Here” was supposed to be called “Don’t Forget to Proofread!” Please don’t hold a grudge against us for the oversight.
• In our September issue, the article about erasers entitled “Erasing the Past: The History of the Pencil’s Little Buddy” actually did not run at all. If you saw it, what were YOU reading?
• In our October issue, we accidentally printed every article in disappearing ink. We suggest you use the now-blank pages to keep track of our future mistakes.
• In our November issue, the article entitled “Shrek Part 4: Ogre the River and Through the Woods” contained several quotations by people who don’t exist. Or we made up quotations for real people. What they really said was just too boring to print. Basically, don’t trust anything in that entire article.
• In our December issue, we didn’t run any pieces by Marc Tyler Nobleman. We’re sorry if that’s something you were looking for and we will never let it happen again.

Speak Easy

When traveling, it’s wise to know how to say a few basic things in the foreign country’s language. However, we researched many of those phrase translation books and found that they’re all missing some important statements and questions.
 

• “Your head is blocking my view of the [insert name of famous monument here].”
• “Can you switch us to a hotel room that is less smelly?”
• “I’m sure the peacock feet are delicious, but I’ll just stick with the pasta.”
• “I can see modern Internet cafés back home. Don’t you have any 18th-century ones?”
• “Do you have a menu with subtitles?”
• “Could you please speak up? I can’t hear you over the monsoon.”
• “My country’s souvenirs stink way more than yours.”
• “Does the baboon who just took my luggage work here?”

Moon Over History

Many famous historical events happened at night. What is not so famous, however, is the reason they didn’t happen during the day. We moon history with these 100% false theories:

event: General George Washington leads his army across the Delaware River
when: night of December 25, 1776
why: That day, George was doing some really last minute Christmas shopping for his troops.

event: Paul Revere and associates warn colonists that British troops are coming
when: night of April 18, 1775
why: Paul spent the afternoon throwing water balloons at incoming British ships, but when that didn’t stop them, he set out on his “midnight ride”—known at the time as “ye olde plan B.”

event: the Great Chicago Fire starts in or near the O’Leary barn
when: night of October 8, 1871
why: The cow that legend states caused the disaster by kicking over a lantern was so loved by the O’Leary family that she joined them in the house for the day. Always clumsy, she accidentally spilled milk on the floor and was promptly sent back to the barn.

War Games, Peace Treaty

Some games are just plain violent, while others sound more violent than they are when you get to know them. (Still others, like football, don’t sound violent but—watch out for that linebacker!)  Here are some violent (or violent-sounding) games renamed to make the world a little less angry.

• Space Invaders—Alien Dance Party
• Battleship—Friendship
• hangman—Justice for All
• Kill the Guy—Politely Ask the Guy with the Ball to Stop Running
• bombardment—Don’t Aim for the Head
• Duke Nukem—Bombs Away (and Never Come Back)
• Chutes and Ladders—The Land of Even Surfaces

United States of Animerica

If animals ran the United States…

…state names would include Catnecticut, Ohippo, Aardvarkansas, Chickentucky, Mousesippi, and Bearizona.

…school cafeterias would be abandoned for fields full of bugs and rodents to hunt for lunch.

…the national bird (eagle) would be replaced by the national birdwatcher (Darren J. Sapper of Cheshire, Connecticut).

…Spin the Bottle players would lick each other’s faces instead of kiss on the lips.

…all citizens would be automatic members of the FBI because animals have heightened hearing and smell, both of which come in very handy when looking for bad guys.

…for easier drinking, water fountains would be replaced with toilets.

…the scariest Halloween costume would be a veterinarian. (Also: Halloween would be called Owleen.)

…many human beings would live behind bars—no, not jails. Zoos.

Loudspeaker Lunacy

If you hear these announcements over your school’s loudspeaker, either it’s April Fool’s Day or you’ve somehow slipped into another dimension where your principal is the exact same age as you.

• “Attention students, this is your principal speaking. Now this is your principal making unpleasant noises with his armpit.”
• “Attention students, this is your principal speaking. Would Kevin Alansky please come to my office? We need a fourth for a game of Pictionary.”
• “Attention students, this is your principal speaking. All students going on the field trip—oh, hold on a second. My cell phone is ringing. Hello? Mom? Can I call you back? Yeah, I’m kinda in the middle of making an announcement to the school.”
• “Attention students, this is your principal speaking. To the student or students who let a fully grown walrus loose in the halls this morning, please report to my office immediately. We have no idea what to feed it.”

Better Sphinx of Something

In Greek mythology, the Sphinx was a fearsome winged beast with the head of a woman and the body of a lion. To travelers who passed by, it posed a riddle: “What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening?” The answer was “man”—humans crawl on all fours as an infants, walk on two legs in midlife, and use a cane when elderly. If travelers answered correctly, they could proceed; if not, they were fast Sphinx food. However, people talked, and the answer to the Sphinx’s mysterious riddle spread faster than a sandstorm. Therefore, she worked up some new ones.

They weren’t as good.

Q: What walks on six legs in the morning, one leg in the afternoon, and nineteen legs in the evening?
A: I don’t know, but if you thought a lion with wings and a human head was weird…

Q: What walks on four legs and barks but is not a dog?
A: A human in a dog costume. Also acceptable: a talented cat.

Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: The chicken (if you doubt it, check the dictionary).

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To avoid the side where the Sphinx sat. (Chickens aren’t good with riddles.)

Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A tuxedo jacket, a snowball, and a raspberry—oh, you meant all at once?

New Fool’s Day?

The calendar is getting a bit too crowded with special occasions, don’t you think? If they had to combine April Fool’s Day with other holidays…

…on Halloween, the familiar phrase would be “Trick or Trick?”
…a bunch of small trees would be placed under one big present on Christmas.
…on Valentine’s Day, it would be a great honor if someone asked you to “Be my fool.”
…we’d be eating turkey and pumpkin pie on Pranksgiving.
…on New Year’s Day, all resolutions would be about being funnier than last year.
…for Chanukah, you’d have to tell a new joke every night for eight nights.
…the ultimate prank: July 4th would hereafter always be observed on July 5th.

Let Game Begin

Friends nearby are playing a new game that has only one rule. This is what you overhear:

Carl: Name a famous game show.
Daniela: The Price Is Right.
Stephanie: Wheel of Fortune.
Carl: Daniela is wrong. Stephanie is right. Now name a rock group.
Daniela: Destiny’s Child.
Stephanie: The Backstreet Boys.
Carl: Daniela is right. Stephanie is wrong. Okay, now name a sports team.
Daniela: Miami Dolphins.
Stephanie: The Yankees.
Carl: Daniela is right. Stephanie is wrong.

How do you win this game? Hint: a clue is in the title of this activity.

ANSWER: Any player is automatically out if he/she uses the word “the” as part of his/her answer.

Lost (and Found) in Space

Our solar system is a big place. Losing something there is a pain in the asteroid [okay, I know we can’t use that]. That’s why some enterprising beings opened the Cosmic Lost and Found. Here are some of the things that were recently turned in.

• a lightsaber (red beam)
• astronaut gear (written on front: “My Parents Went to Mars and All I Got Was This Lousy Spacesuit”)
• a map of downtown Mercury (slightly singed)
• a bag of Reese’s Pieces (unopened)
• an acid rainproof umbrella (found on Venus)
• a hardened slab of moon soil (with Neil Armstrong’s footprint)
• a single sock (black)
• a single sock (white)
• a single sock (brown)

Lazy Does It

What’s the laziest thing you’ve ever done? (Hopefully you weren’t too lazy to finish reading that last sentence. Or this one.)  Compare it with the responses of this random sampling of your peers, all of whom we interviewed while they were lying on their beds in a very relaxed state.

• “I brush my teeth once a week—but it’s not gross. They stay clean until the next time because I never rinse out the toothpaste.”
• “I keep the TV remote in my mouth and change the channel with my lips. That way I don’t have to move my hands.”
• “I abbreviate my initials.”
• “I don’t waste time trying to find a seat on the school bus. I just sit on the first step right when you get on. They even installed a special seatbelt for me there.”
• “I combine dinner and breakfast so I can sleep late. My favorite is meatloaf pancakes.”
• “Instead of cleaning my room, I invite my friends over and sell them the stuff lying around. Within minutes the whole place is spotless, and I still get to see my things when I’m at their houses.”

Counterfeit to Ten

Holler if you get these dollars! Signs you’ve been slipped a phony bill:

1. Smack in the center is George—Curious, not Washington
2. The back of the bill is blank, other than a scribbled grocery shopping list
3. Someone pulls it out of a printer just before handing it to you
4. In big red letters, it is stamped “NOT FOR USE IN REAL STORES”
5. The edges are perforated and part of the design is a coupon for $1 off toilet paper
6. It is pulled out of your pocket and sticks to the fridge door as you walk by
7. The bill’s dimensions are 2 feet x 6 feet
8. It is made out of stretchable rubber
9. Small print says “Any resemblance to real currency is purely illegal”
10. You can scratch ‘n’ sniff it (choice of mint, apple orchard, or frog)

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Retiring from chores

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Senses #7-11

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: SVAT (Supervillain Aptitude Test)

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Lizard lotion

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Monster makeovers

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Airplane banners

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: High-tech lullabies

Written in 2001, this was my first sale to the now-defunct Nickelodeon Magazine. I am astounded that any of the technological references in it do not seem dated.

© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.

Public service announcement: this is NOT Bill Finger

Multiple sites—including Google, perpetually—identify this as Bill Finger:

Multiple times I've notified them that it is actually Gardner Fox—and I've already mentioned it here—yet it remains unchanged. Hence this PSA.

While we're on the subject, this isn't Bill, either:

It's comics writer Robert Kanigher. (Thanks Mark Evanier.)

Oh, also often labeled as Bill but not? Him:

(Steve Ditko.)

It's bad enough that Bill remains officially uncredited for his work, so the least we can do is properly credit his face.

For the record, this is Bill Finger…17 times.

My Bill Finger tribute in the 2014 Comic-Con souvenir book

An honor that prompted me to jump up and down (once) in my hotel room when I first saw it:

In the unlikely case of fanboys and fangirls who did not catch this immediately, this was the inspiration for the title of the article:

origin written by Bill Finger (Batman #1, 1940)

Bill Finger and creators rights in “New York Times”

On 8/6/14, The New York Times ran an article about the rights of comics creators. It was written by Dave Itzkoff, whom I’ve been following on Twitter, so it was especially fun to hear from him. (We’d not been in direct touch before.) And, of course, it’s an honor to be quoted in the Times (my first time)—especially with respect to Bill Finger.

One of my quotations, however, is missing a pivotal word:

“My doing all this is not because of some belief that I will be able to change things. I know I can’t. But I set out to make the story more well known, so that there is a well of public support, which does have an effect. That can sway people.”

The word gone AWOL is “alone,” which should be inserted between “I” and “will be able to change things.” As is, the statement makes me sound somewhat self-defeatist, which is the opposite of the case.

Though Bill co-created Batman in New York (in 1939), it wasn’t until 1995 when his name first appeared in the city’s (if not the country’s) most distinguished paper. Even then, it was hardly substantial—simply a quotation from his Steranko interview.

It wasn’t till last year (2013) when Bill got an article that did more than mention him in passing.

And this was in response to a mention earlier the same year in which he was originally misidentified as “Joe” Finger.

One of these days, Bill’s name may be in a front-page Times headline as it deserves. Until then, I am happy with any other coverage he can get.

Please do the interview. It’s quick, easy, and generous.

As a pop culture archaeologist, I consider it an obligation to help document as much of entertainment history as possible before it’s too late. Everyone—no matter how small a role in how small a production—has a story worth listening to. You just have to ask.

Sometimes multiple times.

But some decline. And some don’t respond at all.

This plea is for you.

Why you should say yes when I ask to interview you for an oral history series:

• Exclusivity: You are the hero of your own story. You are the only one with certain knowledge and experience, and this may be the only time you’re asked about it.
• Graciousness: You have fans you don’t realize you have, no matter how removed you may feel from your role. Any memories you are willing to share will matter to them, no matter how unlikely it may seem to you.
• Ease: The time commitment versus the goodwill your interview would bring is disproportionate: minimal time now will make many happy over many years.
• Perspective: I focus on your connection to a pivotal moment in pop culture; it’s not an in-depth probe into your personal life.
• Benefit: Since my series are typically online, that means free and ongoing mainstream PR for any business or cause you might like to champion. Original content gets discovered and shared and you could ride that wave. Some people I have found and interviewed have then been hired to appear at conventions and sign autographs.
• Posterity. I believe we should all do our part to preserve the stories we were part of. You never know what cultural events will prove important to a future author, scholar, producer, fan.
• Quality: Distinguished company. My interviews reveal many ways people are doing good in the world. 
• Fulfillment: Past interviewees report that reminiscing was fun and meaningful—even if they didn’t expect it to be.

Concerned about privacy?

I run your words as is, without editorializing. You are in control; you decide exactly what you want to say and how. (Whenever possible, I conduct interviews by email so you can compose your answers carefully and at your own convenience.)

Concerned about trust?

I am the author of more than 70 books for children and I am regularly invited to speak in schools internationally. A glimpse at my prior work should assure you that I am a professional who respects and protects the people I feature. In some cases, I have been the first person an interview subject has felt comfortable speaking with on record. I don’t give out contact info, of course, or any other details not included in your interview.

“Tantalizingly, [the] story behind the birth of Batman is every bit as intriguing as the caped wonder. … Not only is this thoroughly researched story of artistic injustice intriguing, but the description of how hard the author worked to uncover details about what happened decades ago is inspiring.” 
—Barbara A. Ward, International Reading Association 

“Nobleman’s efforts could easily turn cheap or exploitative, if he wasn’t so respectful of his subjects and such a thoughtful interviewer. This approach has led to some rather moving Q&As.”
—A.V. Club 

So if you’ve said yes to an interview, thank you again.

If you’ve said no, please reconsider. I will be grateful on behalf of untold thousands. And you will feel good about it after. I have seen this happen time and again.

“Bill the Boy Wonder”: Polish edition

Bill the Boy Wonder: The Secret Co-Creator of Batman is coming out in Poland, in Polish. There, I guess, he goes by “Billy.” (I’m glad they didn’t go with Milton the Boy Wonder.)

Girl in “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood?

Round 2 of the “Girl in the Video” interview series has wrapped, but the requests continue to come in.

Here is one I had not considered, and which I am sharing (with permission) because of its format:

Any leads, please let me know.

Bill Finger in “The New Yorker” (1965): only press mention in his lifetime

When Bill Finger died in 1974, no obituary ran in the mainstream media; the closest were short pieces in two DC publications, Amazing World of DC Comics #1 (1974) and Famous First Edition: Batman #1 (1975).

It is hard to fathom how the death of the primary creative force behind Batman could go virtually unacknowledged…but alas, at the time, he was not widely known as the the primary creative force behind Batman.

As far as I can determine, Bill’s name appeared in a major publication only once during his lifetime: The New Yorker dated 8/21/65. [5/16/21 addendum: Wrong!]

It was a short piece about what is now considered the first “official” comic book convention (owing to the fact that comics professionals attended and spoke at it).

Alter Ego #20 (1/03) covers this convention and it mentions that the esteemed New Yorker did a piece on it. This was a wild little detail hiding in plain sight. Because we know the date of the convention, it was relatively easy (and eminently exciting) for me to track down the article.

An all-too-important but all-too-brief glimpse at a man whom so many now want to get to know, only too late.

Should you wish to reference this, please link to this page. Thank you!

Two meetings in Los Angeles

On 7/21-22/14, en route to Comic-Con, I had the pleasure of meeting my agent for unscripted television, David Swift (AKA just Swift or sometimes Swifty), who has been at Don Buchwald and Associates (Howard Stern’s agency) for 14 years. They are lucky to have him and they know it. I signed with him in the fall and this was the first time we met. To say he is a nice (and, well, swift) guy is a serious understatement.

The day before, I was thrilled to have a meeting at Warner Bros. There is nothing more to report just yet, but I hope that changes before long.

1937 letter on display

The Girl in the Video 2: reactions

Thank you for spending some time reminiscing with the girls in the videos. And thank you to the following for such rewarding and humbling feedback. All of this goes to show how much fun you can have in your eighties (meaning, of course, your 1980s):

A.V. Club 7/10/14:

Nobleman’s efforts could easily turn cheap or exploitative, if he wasn’t so respectful of his subjects (a new profile of Vicky Granucci from John Cougar’s "Jack & Diane" barely mentions that she’s his ex-wife, for example) and such a thoughtful interviewer. This approach has led to some rather moving Q&As.

Pop Candy (USA Today) 7/14/14:

Last year...Marc Tyler Nobleman posted a fantastic feature in which he tracked down and interviewed 21 female music video stars from the '80s. This summer he's back with 30 more (holy moly!), and they make for some pretty compelling reading. … I hope this series never ends.

Billy Joel site 7/29/14:

Billy Joel Facebook page 8/1/14:

John Mellencamp Facebook page 7/16/14:

 

John Mellencamp tweet 7/17/14:

Huey Lewis and the News Facebook page 7/25/14:

Billy Idol retweet 7/30/14:

The Hairpin 7/11/14:

…Marc Tyler Nobleman’s super rad “The Girl in the Video” project, in which he tracks down and interviews the women…whose ‘80s hair and intense cosmetic contour only grows more powerful in retrospective. … Karen Morton’s…interview takes a surprising personal turn.

I love the labels for this post: 

OH GOD I LOVE THIS, THE GIRL IN THE VIDEO, MARC TYLER NOBLEMAN, JENNY I GOT YOUR NUMBER, GIRLS IN 80S MUSIC VIDEOS, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE GIRLS

Yahoo! (homepage plus celebrity and music sections) 7/15/14:

Macha Bennet-Shephard (“Sister Christian” herself) 7/15/14:

It’s fascinating to read the stories of all these women; Marc is the kind of author whose sincerity and respect for his subject give an unusual depth to the interviews. We’re given a view into her world as she experienced it, and in her own words, making her most human and in that sense negating the very genre for which she became famous—the objectified, nameless “girl in the video.”

daughter (and only child) of Karen Morton:

 

friend: “I love your story of finding [“Sister Christian”], even if I never noticed and don’t remember the video.” Then on his Facebook page: “I’m really taken by his perseverance. Also by his having kept track of his perseverance.”

selected tweets from fans:

Round 2 in July 2014 received roughly 20,000 more page views than round 1 in July 2013.