This past fall, I reported an unfortunate circumstance in which a parent complained to an elementary school principal because an author speaker (me) mentioned a person's sexual orientation during a presentation. To be specific, I said Bill Finger's son Fred was gay.
Despite that incident, which (as far as I know) blew over quickly, I've continued to identify Fred as gay in presentations for all kids in grades 3 and up—with virtually no other pushback elsewhere.
This past week, however, I experienced a different response—one I had not fully considered beforehand.
After doing three assemblies at a Maryland elementary, as I was about to head out, both the principal and vice principal approached me. They said they knew I was trying to beat traffic but warmly asked if had even a few minutes to meet with a parent who was in the main office.
Before another word was said, I figured this, too, was probably about me saying "gay."
And I was right.
But in the wrong way.
The father of two of the students had come in because one or possibly both of his girls were upset. Not because I mentioned that someone was gay.
Because of the way a few students reacted when I mentioned that someone was gay.
Because he and his husband (the girls' fathers) are gay.
Those few students had expressed disgust. Dishearteningly, this has happened at numerous other schools—and I swiftly and sternly crack down it on every time. I remind them to be respectful. I remind them that we treat people equally, as we wish to be treated. The snickers or snorts screech to a halt.
Of course their intolerance is not innate. It's not what these young people think. It's what certain adults in their lives think and have toxically passed down to them.
It's secondhand hate.
This father—let's call him Matt—was rightfully distraught (at one point on the verge of tears) that his children were in the room when this happened. (I was not clear if he had seen his girls since the assembly.) I sympathized deeply with his whole family. The principal and vice principal praised how I handled the situation and impressed me by facilitating a conversation between Matt and me.
Matt was not mad at me. Quite the contrary: he was happy that I plainly referred to Fred's sexual orientation like any other fact of life. But he was eviscerated that this put his daughters at risk for emotional anguish among their peers. They do not live in an area with a visible gay community.
This is an especially terrible conflict: Matt simultaneously craves and fears full disclosure. Heterosexuals do not truly know how it feels to have the nature of our love—the core of a human's being—challenged, mocked, loathed. Straight privilege.
Then Matt asked me a question I was not expecting:
"What should I tell my daughters?"
I am quite sure he already knew, but was fogged in a kind of grief. I said I'm disappointed that we as a society are not there yet but I feel moments like these move us forward. Yes, talking about sexual orientation in mixed company can be difficult because of the small-mindedness of some, but not talking about it is a disservice to all. Of course he already knew that, too.
Matt wondered aloud what if anything schools could do to prevent ignorant reactions like what happened that day. I said I feel a good approach is simply bringing up the subject naturally, without any setup; this normalizes it.
I assured Matt that it was only a small handful of students who reacted insensitively and when I told them that was unacceptable, they went silent. I told Matt that I believe this situation, while hurtful at first, would have a positive effect. His girls heard an adult tell a group of young people that it is perfectly okay (and common) to be gay. Some kids have never heard that before. His kids have never heard that before, in such a setting.
I stammered other words that I hoped would sound supportive. Matt seemed genuinely receptive…and by the end, even somewhat relieved. He thanked me. I thanked him. The vice principal thanked us both. Everyone thanked everyone.
Matt's family had plans to see Black Panther that night. Speaking of broadening minds…
By the way, the name of one Matt's daughters is Athena.
Same name as Fred's daughter.
4/27/18 addendum: what happened next. (Warning: emotional.)
Despite that incident, which (as far as I know) blew over quickly, I've continued to identify Fred as gay in presentations for all kids in grades 3 and up—with virtually no other pushback elsewhere.
This past week, however, I experienced a different response—one I had not fully considered beforehand.
After doing three assemblies at a Maryland elementary, as I was about to head out, both the principal and vice principal approached me. They said they knew I was trying to beat traffic but warmly asked if had even a few minutes to meet with a parent who was in the main office.
Before another word was said, I figured this, too, was probably about me saying "gay."
And I was right.
But in the wrong way.
The father of two of the students had come in because one or possibly both of his girls were upset. Not because I mentioned that someone was gay.
Because of the way a few students reacted when I mentioned that someone was gay.
Because he and his husband (the girls' fathers) are gay.
Those few students had expressed disgust. Dishearteningly, this has happened at numerous other schools—and I swiftly and sternly crack down it on every time. I remind them to be respectful. I remind them that we treat people equally, as we wish to be treated. The snickers or snorts screech to a halt.
Of course their intolerance is not innate. It's not what these young people think. It's what certain adults in their lives think and have toxically passed down to them.
It's secondhand hate.
This father—let's call him Matt—was rightfully distraught (at one point on the verge of tears) that his children were in the room when this happened. (I was not clear if he had seen his girls since the assembly.) I sympathized deeply with his whole family. The principal and vice principal praised how I handled the situation and impressed me by facilitating a conversation between Matt and me.
Matt was not mad at me. Quite the contrary: he was happy that I plainly referred to Fred's sexual orientation like any other fact of life. But he was eviscerated that this put his daughters at risk for emotional anguish among their peers. They do not live in an area with a visible gay community.
This is an especially terrible conflict: Matt simultaneously craves and fears full disclosure. Heterosexuals do not truly know how it feels to have the nature of our love—the core of a human's being—challenged, mocked, loathed. Straight privilege.
Then Matt asked me a question I was not expecting:
"What should I tell my daughters?"
I am quite sure he already knew, but was fogged in a kind of grief. I said I'm disappointed that we as a society are not there yet but I feel moments like these move us forward. Yes, talking about sexual orientation in mixed company can be difficult because of the small-mindedness of some, but not talking about it is a disservice to all. Of course he already knew that, too.
Matt wondered aloud what if anything schools could do to prevent ignorant reactions like what happened that day. I said I feel a good approach is simply bringing up the subject naturally, without any setup; this normalizes it.
I assured Matt that it was only a small handful of students who reacted insensitively and when I told them that was unacceptable, they went silent. I told Matt that I believe this situation, while hurtful at first, would have a positive effect. His girls heard an adult tell a group of young people that it is perfectly okay (and common) to be gay. Some kids have never heard that before. His kids have never heard that before, in such a setting.
I stammered other words that I hoped would sound supportive. Matt seemed genuinely receptive…and by the end, even somewhat relieved. He thanked me. I thanked him. The vice principal thanked us both. Everyone thanked everyone.
Matt's family had plans to see Black Panther that night. Speaking of broadening minds…
By the way, the name of one Matt's daughters is Athena.
Same name as Fred's daughter.
4/27/18 addendum: what happened next. (Warning: emotional.)
